So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
