I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
