You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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