shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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