okay pat passed out under dana's car
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
