There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
is it fun? or sober?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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