I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
