I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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