mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Can Purell be used as lube?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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