yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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