If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
