He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
