I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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