before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
