I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
