cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
