A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
