My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
