Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
