it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
