I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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