Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
