worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I will pee on everything he values.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
