at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Terrible idea I love it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
