so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize