There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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