last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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