3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
