even my farts smell like vagina
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
