not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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