my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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