ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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