Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
