you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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