I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
