sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
