did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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