Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
