Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize