Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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