remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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