I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize