I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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