my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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