i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
