I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
