The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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