It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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