Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
