do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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