Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
