I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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