College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Randomize
