peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
