I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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