um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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