dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We are two peas in an std pod
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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