Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
