Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
