Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
